Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
