Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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