I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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