whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.