Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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