if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
