My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
