I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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