I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
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I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.