my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen