you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sext me about skeletons
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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