You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
