you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
