I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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