I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
