the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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