Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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