The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
