I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
