my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
