Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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