Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
