my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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