We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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