Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
