Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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