My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
