would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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