I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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