I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Houston, we have a squirter
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OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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