when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
