Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
