explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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