Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
