i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
