I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
