They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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