part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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