I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
