it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
