my mouth tastes like poor choices
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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