i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
