i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
