1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
