nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.