I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER