She's JV to your varsity
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.