I just cut my nipple shaving
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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