I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
