I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
