Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
