I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
