I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
