hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
