I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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