Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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